Many women, especially, tell me that their brothers continue to treat them like little girls who don't know anything about anything, even if these women have become CEO's of companies, are physicians, have advanced degrees, or not.  They may have raised a family, they may be homeowners, they may be very responsible members of society and they still complain that their brothers, and their older siblings in particular, continue to treat them as small children, discounting what they have to say, and telling them in so many words, "be quiet; don't make waves..." in other words, be compliant.  

Some of these women may be dependent and unable to make decisions on their own; they may not have realized their full potential due to lack of self-esteem for whatever reasons - negative messages from parents or teachers, lack of encouragement by adults in their lives they looked up to, being treated as if they didn't matter by, yup, you guessed it, older siblings. And sometimes by younger siblings.  Or maybe they just didn't have the opportunities other women - and men - have had.  

A family is a system.  It's like a quiet pond of water.  Everything is fine, as long as nothing disturbs the surface.  If you toss a stone or even a very small pebble in the pond, the water is disturbed; you see this because ripples form on the surface of the water, and as the stone sinks, it disturbs the water around it, and ripples form underneath the surface that you may not see.  If everything is left alone after that stone is tossed, things soon return to a peaceful quiet and everything seems pretty normal again.  Except that stone is now lying at the bottom of the pond, waiting for something to come along and disturb it again.  It may be a fish that comes by and "noses" it out of the way to get some food.  The fish is part of the system of the pond; the pond is used to the movements of the fish, so it is not disturbed.  In a family, there may be one person who is always the fish - the one who causes the ripples but doesn't really disturb anything.  The family is  used to this behavior; it is often ignored or accepted as "that's just so and so; ignore it."  But when the stone is disturbed by the fish, the pond isn't used to it, and the water again is disturbed and ripples may become apparent on the surface.  Ripples may begin deep on the floor of the pond, but as the water pushes other water out of the way, they move up to the surface where they are once again seen.  Have you ever been by a quiet body of water, and suddenly you see a small ring of a ripple in the water, but nothing seems to be there that could have disturbed the water?  It comes from something underneath; maybe a fish, maybe a water insect - maybe a stone that got disturbed.  

There are many things that may disturb the deeper, underlying "floor" of the family system.  It may be a crisis - perhaps a health crisis, or an elderly parent who suddenly is not able to care for themselves, and hopefully the family comes together to help decide how to help this parent get what they need.  It may be a financial issue: perhaps a death in the family that causes a need to settle an estate. It could be a divorce in one part of the family - parents, the divorce of one sibling that affects the whole family, a chronic or acute serious illness in one member affects all of the others in the family.  Family members move in to offer emotional, sometimes financial, support and help.  Or, sometimes family members move further away, emotionally, because they themselves cannot deal with the crisis and for whatever reason, has a message that "in our family we stay strong" and because they can't stay strong, they just stay away.  They cannot face their own feelings, so they don't. The fish swims away from the stone and hides in plants to await a safe time to come back out and look for food.  It's the same principle - it's about power, control and safety.  When one person in the family feels his/her power is threatened, they take steps to maintain their power, and the cost for maintaining that power may be losing a connection with another family member.  

Sometimes extended family members throw the stone into the system.  It might be a sister-in-law or a brother-in-law telling their spouse - your sibling - things that may be exaggerated about another family member - maybe even you - causing a rift between siblings.  If you look at a tree, it is pretty clear it has branches.  And you have heard of the "family tree", and the many branches on a family tree.  If one branch of a tree is damaged or becomes sick,  it affect the whole tree.  The same thing happens in a branch of a family.  If the family is close, and the members communicate well with one another, they can overcome the damage done in one branch of the tree; instead of cutting that branch off, they pool their resources to help that branch become strong and well again. And then there are situations where for whatever reason, one limb or branch decides to cut off the ailing branch.  They do this by stopping all communication, and by not being open to receiving communication.  They behave as if that ailing branch never existed, or they blame that person for all of the problems in the family. 

When this happens, there is little the cut-off part, or family member, can do.  It takes two to have a communication; a dialogue.  If the problem is between two family members, and one refuses to have a dialogue, there is nothing the other family member can do but wait it out, and see what happens, or hope the non-communicating family member will come around and reach out.  As I said earlier, this is often about power.  A family member who refuses to communicate or be open to receiving communication, may be doing so because it is the only way they can maintain a sense of control or power that they once had in the family and now may feel they have lost.  They want that power back, and allowing that family member in threatens their hold on their power.  Sometimes the one who thinks he/she has the power is really the one who doesn't have the power but can't admit it.  Sometimes they won't share their power with anyone - even it means it threatens the entire family system.  In situations like this, there is little anyone else can do, except as I said before, wait it out.  If it never comes to a resolution, that is very sad, because anytime a family cannot resolve their issues with each other there is loss.  And even if a family member hasn't died, but has cut off all communication, the loss is still felt, and the hurt and the wounding is just as deep as if the person had died and cannot be resuscitated.  

So in this time where our country is in financial distress, where jobs are short and money is shorter, and tempers shorter still, we need to stand by our family more than ever.  And if your family won't stand by you, and accept you for who you are, and what you are, who will?  If you are the person holding the power and have cut off communication with a family member, take the first step and be the bigger person, and reach out.  If you are in the position of wanting to communicate with a sibling or parent or other family member, and they won't respond, all you can do is hold good thoughts, wish them no ill will and hope for the best.  Don't give up on them, and be there when they are ready to reach out for you.  We only have one family - make the best of what you have while you have it.  And remember to forgive, and if you can forgive, you can forget.  If you can't forget, you can't forgive.  The only one who is hurt by holding on to anger is the person holding on to it.  "Holding on to resentment is like taking poison and expecting someone else to die."