Do you make New Year Resolutions?  I don't; I gave up years ago because I never followed through with them.  One year my husband resolved to floss his teeth daily, and he stuck to it.  That's one of the differences between us - he makes up his mind to do something, and he does it.  I can't seem to make up my mind to begin with.  But with age comes wisdom, and this year I have some resolutions.  One is to get  healthy.  I've been recovering from major back surgery, and finding out that it is going to be a long road back to health.  And I determined to get there, for a variety of reasons, which I discuss below.

I am on a couple of professional listserves - internet discussions that are dedicated to specific topics.  One of them is the Dissociative Disorders Listserve, and there has been a rather long discussion about dependency in clients, and how not to foster that. (As therapists, we want our clients to be independent, and learn that they can handle things - like crises - on their own; that they have the capability to function in the world without having to check everything out with someone else). It has been interesting for me to read it, especially as a few of the members have discussed their own physical dependency on others due to some medical reason.  Those really struck home with me, as I have been recovering from back surgery for the past six or seven weeks (I lose track of the time somehow) and have learned what it is like to be dependent on others for some very simple things. For instance, I have been given doctor's orders not to bend.  That means if I drop something, I can't bend down to pick it up, and I have to ask someone to do it for me.  I can't lift things, which means I haven't been able to pick up my one-year old grandson; I can only let my daughter place him in my lap (of course, he's walking now so he'd much rather be running around than sitting still with me...); I haven't done much cooking because standing at the stove and moving about the kitchen still causes pain, so I depend on my husband or my other daughter who is home on winter break to prepare meals and bring them to me.  I can't empty the dishwasher or get pots and pans from the lower cabinets.  I can't put things away and I have to wait for someone to do that, too.

I have been walking with a cane to avoid a limp I developed following the surgery (which I am assured will pass with physical therapy), and I am moving a lot slower than I am accustomed to moving.  I have to ask my husband to get a new roll of toilet paper for me, because I can't bend down to access the cabinet where we keep it.  The simplest things that I took for granted I have learned to treat with a new respect.  Going up steps, I must go one at a time, being sure to use my stronger leg first.  A couple of times I got involved in something and forgot I am not supposed to squat down, either, and I quickly learned why:  it was extremely difficult to get myself back up from that squatting position.  I can't put DVD's in the DVD player, because to reach it, I have to bend down.  So if I want to watch a DVD, I have to wait until someone is around to put it in for me.  Like I said, the simplist things.... (You are probably wondering why we don't just place the DVD player higher up.... because there's no room for it anywhere other than on the lowest shelf of the TV stand!)

Sitting in the car for too long is uncomfortable; I have to limit my trips away from home, and recently at the market I had to ask a gentleman in the aisle to pick up something for me from the bottom shelf.  If I drop something in the market, I would normally pick it up.  Now, if I am alone and there is no one around, I have to leave it there, and that's very hard for me to do.  There is a point to all of this, really.  Just  bear with me.

When I first got home from the hospital following my surgery, my husband would hover nearby when I showered just in case I needed anything.  I am fortunate to have someone loving and caring to help me with some very personal tasks, like bathing, and I have sympathy for those who are disabled and don't have family to care for them.

This whole experience has taught me something about being dependent and being independent.  For one thing, I am fiercely independent - it's just my nature.  I am a not a great employee because I don't like taking orders or being told what to do.  It is not easy for me to ask for help.  So it's made me think about what will happen when I get old; old like in my 70's or 80's or more (my family has a history of longevity, with most of my relatives living well into their 90's).  What will happen when I am truly old (whatever we consider old now days - my parents are 83 and 93 and still live in their own home with no help other than what we can force on them) and need help?  What if I outlive my husband (which I will probably do as women tend to outlive men generally, and I'm already a year older than he is), and I don't want to burden my children with my care?  Will I someday need the care of a non-family member?  Who will ever care for me the way a family member would?  No one.  The idea scares me.  I have strengthened my resolve to get my body back - to get in shape when I am finally able to start physical therapy, and to maintain it.  I don't want to be in a wheelchair, or need a walker, or depend on someone else to do the simplest of tasks for me - like picking something up, preparing a simple meal or washing myself. 

I have to say that the thought of languishing in a nursing home scares the you-know-what out of me.  Laying in a bed day after day, being at the mercy of low-paid care givers who may or may not truly care what they do and how they do it.  (Please don't misunderstand this; I've know some wonderful caregivers who truly love their work and care greatly for the people they take care of). So I've decided that the only person who can help me is me.  And the best way I can do that is to take care of this body I have now, and keep it well-functioning.  I'm not quite sure how I'll do that, other than trying to eat right and exercising, but I'm going to do my darnedest! 

The other piece of all of this, of course, is mental healh and well-being.  It can get very depressing when you can't do things for yourself.  I can see how and why dependent adults - many in nursing homes or assisted living facilities - get depressed.  Many are just waiting to live out their lives, waiting until death comes and claims them.  Many are in pain from various ailments, and are unable to do much about it, other than take medication and hope someone will come along at the right time to give them relief.  It's hard to keep your spirits up when you are lying in a bed day after day, waiting for death.  It's better when someone in that situation can engage in some sort of activitiy with other people, something that engages the mind and the body.  Much of this is attitude.  My father in law is 95, lives in an assisted living facility near us (so we see him at least weekly), and is in a wheel chair.  He has been a widower for 8 years.  He is sharp as a tack, and he never complains.  He just gets on with the daily task of living.  I admire that.  I admire that my parents are able to be on their own at their ages, and are able to ask for help when they need it, and accept it even if they don't ask.  I want to be one of those "old people" who people like to visit and be around.  I don't want to be one of the ones who complains and moans about every little ache and pain.  And most of all, I want to be able to take care of myself for as long as I can. 

So I hereby resolve, in writing on the world wide web for any and all to read, to get healthy in 2009 and to stay that way as long as humanly possible!