Remembering Your Past: Why is it Important?
It is fairly typical when people come to therapy that at some point some issue from their past will come up. Many people ask why they "need" to rehash their childhood; many people don't want to talk about those times, and many do. Sometimes people tell me that they simply don't believe that their childhood affects who they are now as adults, and even if it did, "all that is in the past, and it's done. I can't change it now; I don't see how talking about will help." So why is it important to revisit your childhood? Not only can talking about the past change how it affects you, but one of the key ingredients to change is having a focused, empathic listener with whom you connect, and who connects with you, because by doing so you are actually changing the way the neurons in your brain connect and how they become "triggered." Stay with me...
I have always been interested in the brain. One of the reasons many therapists become therapists is because of their fascination with the small organ that sits inside our skull. How can we have memory? How do we feel emotions? What is the mind? It isn't something physical you can see. If you opened your skull, you would see the brain, but where in all of that is the mind, your memories, your emotions? These are not things one can see with the naked eye, but we know they're there, because we remember things, we feel feelings... happy, sad, guilt, shame, joy and of course much, much more. So let's take a look at how neuroscientists say it works.
The brain is composed of neurons - nerve cells that transmit information to other neurons and then to various parts of the body - and glial cells, which provide structural support, regulate the Central Nervous System (CNS) and regulate the biochemical balance of the brain. When something happens to you - when you experience anything at all, whether emotionally or physically, neurons "fire" or become activated. A group of neurons fire together, and become in a sense "wired" together ("Neurons that fire together, wire together"). Each time you have the same experience (or something reminds your brain of the experience even if you are not consciously aware of it) the same neuronal bundle fires. When it fires over and over, it becomes stronger and stronger. This applies to the physical feelings and emotions associated with the experience. Let's say your mom or grandmother baked apple pie on a regular basis, and it was really good. You'd come home and smell the pie baking, and the neurons in your brain that are responsible for your sense of smell would fire. But other neurons also fired - the place where your memories are stored and regulated - the amygdala - and your hippocampus, where short term memories are processed, would also fire, and you brain began to build the neural network associated with the smell of apple pie baking in the kitchen. If your home was a happy place to be, and the smell of pie baking meant Mom was happy, and the whole family would have dinner and everyone got along, you would come to associate the smell of apple pie baking with positive feelings and good times. But if Mom only baked apply pie after she and Dad maybe had a fight, and if meal time with the family was more of a negative experience, like you were criticized for everything you did or said, or were always being questioned about everything, or if the family fought at the dinner table, the smell of apple pie might have a negative meaning for you, and whenever you smell it now, maybe you get slightly sick to your stomach, or you have a feeling of needing to flee or you get a headache, etc. You may not even remember why the smell of apple pie makes you sick, but it's associated with a bad feeling, so you try to avoid being around apple pie.
Our brains have evolved over time to be social organs, and therefore are affected by other brains - like the person you are talking to or the people you grew up with. We have some special neurons called "mirror neurons" that fire when the brain observes someone else doing something. This is one way babies learn - they see mom or dad smile, and their mirror neurons "mirror" back that smile, and the baby smiles - and at 2 or 3 months of age, and baby doesn't think "I'm going to smile now..."; he just smiles. There are times when the mirror neurons fire but the baby isn't yet capable of doing whatever it is she is seeing, but at some point, the fact that these mirror neurons in the baby's brain fired, he will be able to learn how to do them, without really thinking about it - like feeding himself, or walking, or speaking. Another way to put this is that mirror neurons connect observations and actions. We see, we observe, we act (or react). The other thing our mirrors neurons have allowed us a species to do is to be able to learn to read other people - to anticipate and predict their actions, and to activate appropriate emotional responses to them - empathy, support, emotional resonance (what the person is feeling may resonate with us because we've had that same feeling or experience. This is one reason support groups work). Being able to read the other members of our group is also a survival skill left over from prehistoric days when survival depended on being able to sense danger before it actually happened. If you watch a small child in a new environment, you will see her look at her parent's reaction before she reacts herself. If Mom or Dad is okay, then it must be okay. If Mom or Dad are upset or scared, it must not be safe. Mirror neurons help us learn to do this.
Sometimes the response is inappropriate because it is really an old emotion or feeling being triggered by neural networks that were strengthened in childhood. For example, a couple who are having communication difficulties may be having them because every time the wife tells the husband how she wants something done, it triggers his mother or father, and before he can even think about it, his brain is giving him an old message that he isn't capable or smart enough or competent; whatever the childhood message was. In turn, when the wife tries to do something like pay the bills, and if her husband always gets involved in the process, really just trying to help, it may trigger something from her childhood - like whenever she tried to do something on her own, her parent would take over, saying "No, do it this way...." The message might be "You're doing it wrong; you can't do anything right." But I've gotten off-track here. Let me back up a little.
The brain is basically composed of three main sections - the brain stem, which is located at the very base of the skull and leads into the spinal canal. (For a good "tutorial" on the brain, go to http://www.stanford.edu/group/hopes/basics/braintut/ab0.html if the link doesn't work, copy and paste into your browser). The brain stem regulates the things your body does that you don't have to think about - breathing, heart rate, digestion and so on. The midbrain, or reptilian brain, so called because it is the part of the brain we share with other animal species, like lizards. This part of the brain contains the amygdala and the hippocampus - very important structures when we talk about feeling and reacting to things. This part of the brain (the amygdala) may begin to work, or "come on-line" shortly before birth. The amygdala regulates emotions, holds our memories and tells us when the environment is safe and when it is not. It is responsible for our "fight or flight" response and tells other parts of the brain when to release adrenalin to prepare us for one of these two actions, and it also releases other stress hormones and chemicals. The reptilian brain is also responsible for our reproduction urges and sexual responses, and for learning. This part of the brain is also sometimes referred to as the "Old Mammal" brain because there other structures here that we have in common with lower mammals (like monkeys and chimpanzees).
On top of these two parts of the brain, behind your eyes and your forehead, is the "New Mammal" brain, also called the neo-mammalian brain, or cortex (which can be divided up into yet more sections). This part of the brain is responsible for conscious thought, reasoning, self-awareness type of activities.
Now, what's important here is that your cortex isn't always aware of what the reptilian brain is "thinking," or doing. Because the reptilian brain is responsible for survival, and the need to quickly assess if the environment is safe or dangerous, the neurons here fire much faster than the neurons in the cortex. Animals in the wild have to be tough and fast to survive. A zebra sees a lion, and doesn't stop to think about it; the reptilian brain just gets activated and says "Run!" and the zebra runs. The neurons in the amygdala, located in the reptilian brain, can react to a trigger in less than 100 milliseconds. Can you even conceive of 100 milliseconds? I can't. Our cortex, on the other hand, takes time to process and think, and register an experience into conscious awareness. This takes 500 - 600 milliseconds or 5 to 6 times longer than our reptilian brain takes to fire those neurons. What this means is that by the time we become consciously aware of an experience, a feeling or a reaction, it's already been processed and reprocessed in the reptilian brain, activating memories and old neuronal networks are being triggered by past learning and experiences. We may think we are making a conscious choice, but our conscious awareness is actually 90 percent influenced by what's already happened in the reptilian brain. Because so much processing takes place in the unconscious, it can cause distortion in how we perceive things - like the motives of other people around us - which triggers the old childhood stuff. The unconscious processing might cause us to remain distant, withdrawn, mistrustful or confused without even knowing why.
The man or woman who can't commit to another person, as much as they want to, are being influenced by their unconscious processing. Maybe there was a past experience they don't even remember - mom and dad fighting, an early molestation or abandonment by a parent; it might even be an experience from the first year of life, before our cortex is even formed. In fact, the cortex, the higher functioning part of the brain, continues to develop into our 20's. This is one reason teenagers and younger children have poor impulse control - the part of the brain that helps to control impulses (by thinking) simply hasn't developed completely. (So when you ask your child or teen, "what were you thinking" when they did that stupid thing, the reality is they weren't because their brain hasn't developed to the point where they can think about all the consequences. But the good news is, they can learn to think about that...)
The way our parents - mostly the main caretaker - treated us and did or didn't meet our needs in those first few years can become an automatic response in the reptilian brain, and shape our conscious experience of other people which in turn activates those 100 millisecond systems which leads us to either seek closeness, avoid it, or avoid it when someone gets too close: "Come closer; no you're too close; go away; don't leave me" is one schema that people act out over and over again when they get into an intimate relationship, but don't understand why.
When one examines their memories from their childhood, teen and college years with conscious awareness, it makes the unconscious conscious. They begin to associate current previously unexplained feelings with events that occurred long, long ago and by doing so, and consciously talking about it in the present with, as I said above, an empathic listener, the old neural networks somehow begin to rewire themselves, or new connections are formed and old triggers become less and less triggering. For some people, this can happen quickly over few months time. For others, it can take longer. It largely depends on the individual, how open they are to exploring where their feelings come from, and whether or not they have had traumatic experiences in their past.
If old trauma is uncovered, or triggers identified, or if there is an awareness of a trigger but the individual can't identify where it comes from, in addition to talk therapy, EMDR, Brainspotting or hypnosis can be helpful.
I have always been interested in the brain. One of the reasons many therapists become therapists is because of their fascination with the small organ that sits inside our skull. How can we have memory? How do we feel emotions? What is the mind? It isn't something physical you can see. If you opened your skull, you would see the brain, but where in all of that is the mind, your memories, your emotions? These are not things one can see with the naked eye, but we know they're there, because we remember things, we feel feelings... happy, sad, guilt, shame, joy and of course much, much more. So let's take a look at how neuroscientists say it works.
The brain is composed of neurons - nerve cells that transmit information to other neurons and then to various parts of the body - and glial cells, which provide structural support, regulate the Central Nervous System (CNS) and regulate the biochemical balance of the brain. When something happens to you - when you experience anything at all, whether emotionally or physically, neurons "fire" or become activated. A group of neurons fire together, and become in a sense "wired" together ("Neurons that fire together, wire together"). Each time you have the same experience (or something reminds your brain of the experience even if you are not consciously aware of it) the same neuronal bundle fires. When it fires over and over, it becomes stronger and stronger. This applies to the physical feelings and emotions associated with the experience. Let's say your mom or grandmother baked apple pie on a regular basis, and it was really good. You'd come home and smell the pie baking, and the neurons in your brain that are responsible for your sense of smell would fire. But other neurons also fired - the place where your memories are stored and regulated - the amygdala - and your hippocampus, where short term memories are processed, would also fire, and you brain began to build the neural network associated with the smell of apple pie baking in the kitchen. If your home was a happy place to be, and the smell of pie baking meant Mom was happy, and the whole family would have dinner and everyone got along, you would come to associate the smell of apple pie baking with positive feelings and good times. But if Mom only baked apply pie after she and Dad maybe had a fight, and if meal time with the family was more of a negative experience, like you were criticized for everything you did or said, or were always being questioned about everything, or if the family fought at the dinner table, the smell of apple pie might have a negative meaning for you, and whenever you smell it now, maybe you get slightly sick to your stomach, or you have a feeling of needing to flee or you get a headache, etc. You may not even remember why the smell of apple pie makes you sick, but it's associated with a bad feeling, so you try to avoid being around apple pie.
Our brains have evolved over time to be social organs, and therefore are affected by other brains - like the person you are talking to or the people you grew up with. We have some special neurons called "mirror neurons" that fire when the brain observes someone else doing something. This is one way babies learn - they see mom or dad smile, and their mirror neurons "mirror" back that smile, and the baby smiles - and at 2 or 3 months of age, and baby doesn't think "I'm going to smile now..."; he just smiles. There are times when the mirror neurons fire but the baby isn't yet capable of doing whatever it is she is seeing, but at some point, the fact that these mirror neurons in the baby's brain fired, he will be able to learn how to do them, without really thinking about it - like feeding himself, or walking, or speaking. Another way to put this is that mirror neurons connect observations and actions. We see, we observe, we act (or react). The other thing our mirrors neurons have allowed us a species to do is to be able to learn to read other people - to anticipate and predict their actions, and to activate appropriate emotional responses to them - empathy, support, emotional resonance (what the person is feeling may resonate with us because we've had that same feeling or experience. This is one reason support groups work). Being able to read the other members of our group is also a survival skill left over from prehistoric days when survival depended on being able to sense danger before it actually happened. If you watch a small child in a new environment, you will see her look at her parent's reaction before she reacts herself. If Mom or Dad is okay, then it must be okay. If Mom or Dad are upset or scared, it must not be safe. Mirror neurons help us learn to do this.
Sometimes the response is inappropriate because it is really an old emotion or feeling being triggered by neural networks that were strengthened in childhood. For example, a couple who are having communication difficulties may be having them because every time the wife tells the husband how she wants something done, it triggers his mother or father, and before he can even think about it, his brain is giving him an old message that he isn't capable or smart enough or competent; whatever the childhood message was. In turn, when the wife tries to do something like pay the bills, and if her husband always gets involved in the process, really just trying to help, it may trigger something from her childhood - like whenever she tried to do something on her own, her parent would take over, saying "No, do it this way...." The message might be "You're doing it wrong; you can't do anything right." But I've gotten off-track here. Let me back up a little.
The brain is basically composed of three main sections - the brain stem, which is located at the very base of the skull and leads into the spinal canal. (For a good "tutorial" on the brain, go to http://www.stanford.edu/group/hopes/basics/braintut/ab0.html if the link doesn't work, copy and paste into your browser). The brain stem regulates the things your body does that you don't have to think about - breathing, heart rate, digestion and so on. The midbrain, or reptilian brain, so called because it is the part of the brain we share with other animal species, like lizards. This part of the brain contains the amygdala and the hippocampus - very important structures when we talk about feeling and reacting to things. This part of the brain (the amygdala) may begin to work, or "come on-line" shortly before birth. The amygdala regulates emotions, holds our memories and tells us when the environment is safe and when it is not. It is responsible for our "fight or flight" response and tells other parts of the brain when to release adrenalin to prepare us for one of these two actions, and it also releases other stress hormones and chemicals. The reptilian brain is also responsible for our reproduction urges and sexual responses, and for learning. This part of the brain is also sometimes referred to as the "Old Mammal" brain because there other structures here that we have in common with lower mammals (like monkeys and chimpanzees).
On top of these two parts of the brain, behind your eyes and your forehead, is the "New Mammal" brain, also called the neo-mammalian brain, or cortex (which can be divided up into yet more sections). This part of the brain is responsible for conscious thought, reasoning, self-awareness type of activities.
Now, what's important here is that your cortex isn't always aware of what the reptilian brain is "thinking," or doing. Because the reptilian brain is responsible for survival, and the need to quickly assess if the environment is safe or dangerous, the neurons here fire much faster than the neurons in the cortex. Animals in the wild have to be tough and fast to survive. A zebra sees a lion, and doesn't stop to think about it; the reptilian brain just gets activated and says "Run!" and the zebra runs. The neurons in the amygdala, located in the reptilian brain, can react to a trigger in less than 100 milliseconds. Can you even conceive of 100 milliseconds? I can't. Our cortex, on the other hand, takes time to process and think, and register an experience into conscious awareness. This takes 500 - 600 milliseconds or 5 to 6 times longer than our reptilian brain takes to fire those neurons. What this means is that by the time we become consciously aware of an experience, a feeling or a reaction, it's already been processed and reprocessed in the reptilian brain, activating memories and old neuronal networks are being triggered by past learning and experiences. We may think we are making a conscious choice, but our conscious awareness is actually 90 percent influenced by what's already happened in the reptilian brain. Because so much processing takes place in the unconscious, it can cause distortion in how we perceive things - like the motives of other people around us - which triggers the old childhood stuff. The unconscious processing might cause us to remain distant, withdrawn, mistrustful or confused without even knowing why.
The man or woman who can't commit to another person, as much as they want to, are being influenced by their unconscious processing. Maybe there was a past experience they don't even remember - mom and dad fighting, an early molestation or abandonment by a parent; it might even be an experience from the first year of life, before our cortex is even formed. In fact, the cortex, the higher functioning part of the brain, continues to develop into our 20's. This is one reason teenagers and younger children have poor impulse control - the part of the brain that helps to control impulses (by thinking) simply hasn't developed completely. (So when you ask your child or teen, "what were you thinking" when they did that stupid thing, the reality is they weren't because their brain hasn't developed to the point where they can think about all the consequences. But the good news is, they can learn to think about that...)
The way our parents - mostly the main caretaker - treated us and did or didn't meet our needs in those first few years can become an automatic response in the reptilian brain, and shape our conscious experience of other people which in turn activates those 100 millisecond systems which leads us to either seek closeness, avoid it, or avoid it when someone gets too close: "Come closer; no you're too close; go away; don't leave me" is one schema that people act out over and over again when they get into an intimate relationship, but don't understand why.
When one examines their memories from their childhood, teen and college years with conscious awareness, it makes the unconscious conscious. They begin to associate current previously unexplained feelings with events that occurred long, long ago and by doing so, and consciously talking about it in the present with, as I said above, an empathic listener, the old neural networks somehow begin to rewire themselves, or new connections are formed and old triggers become less and less triggering. For some people, this can happen quickly over few months time. For others, it can take longer. It largely depends on the individual, how open they are to exploring where their feelings come from, and whether or not they have had traumatic experiences in their past.
If old trauma is uncovered, or triggers identified, or if there is an awareness of a trigger but the individual can't identify where it comes from, in addition to talk therapy, EMDR, Brainspotting or hypnosis can be helpful.
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