Money and Relationships
People have issues with money. It's almost universal. When people come to therapy, money is almost always an issue. When couples come for marriage counseling, the top three issues are kids, sex and money. Money speaks to a lot of things. Mostly, though money is about fear - fear of not having enough of something else - not enough love, not enough room for the individual, not being good enough, not accomplishing enough - the list can go on and on. Money can be about revenge and retribution. Money can mean different things to men than it does to women and how couples manage their money together - or separately - speaks volumes about the nature of the relationship between them.
In our culture, money represents a lot - mostly it represents how good we are. How successful, how smart, how powerful, how dependent or how independent we can be, or how desirable we are to others. Money can destroy relationships and families - "never do business with a friend or relative. Never loan money to a friend or a relative" are admonitions most adults have heard at one time or another because doing so can destroy the friendship or the relationship with a family member forever. As individuals our relationship with money is most often influenced by how our parents handled - or didn't handle - money. When I was growing up, my father earned the money and my mother handled it - she paid the bills, wrote the checks, made the household purchases and was basically in charge of the But the major spending decision were made together. Most of us are influenced in our ways with money by what our parents did. We either follow their example, or do the exact opposite - people who grew up poor and are now comfortable may hoard every extra dime, thinking that there won't be anything there when they need it, or were so put off by being poor they spend more than they can afford and end up in debt because they have strong feelings about what it was like to grow up poor. They may over-indulge their children to make up for having done without when they were young. There can be a balance, however, between going without and having to buy everything one sees. I know one man who buys toys for himself - actual toys - because when he was a child his parents couldn't afford much, and he went without a lot, including toys.
Men and women in our society often have very different views of money based on societal norms and stereotypes, although that is changing as women become more and more equal with men, especially in the business world. However, women often not paid as much as men for the same jobs (about 77 cents per one dollar a man might make). For many men having a female superior in the workplace, especially one who makes more money, can be a difficult issue. Many women feel guilty about making more than their husbands, and many men struggle with feelings of inadequacy when their wives make more. Women often feel they make more sacrifices to work outside the home - such as time with their children - and many men feel that they have no choice but to work at a job they don't necessarily like because of the need to support a family and some come to resent the partner they support.
In most couples, there is usually one person who handles the money. There is more often than not a "spender" and a "saver." This does not always align along genders or sex roles. Men often underestimate their wife's interest in investing or in having financial security for later in life, and men are usually less likely to want save for retirement. Men are also more apt to spend money for entertainment, like big-screen t.v.'s or tools or "toys" and women are more likely to want to spend more for a things like a luxury vacation, expensive clothing and household items. But when it comes to investing, even though more women are doing it today, as a rule they feel less confident in their abilities to invest than men do, and men are more likely to take bigger risks in the investments they choose, and often think they know more about money matters than women do.
When it comes to looking for a partner, women place a higher value on their prospective mate's financial success than men do. Part of this may come from the fact that historically men worked and women stayed home to raise the family. This may be an unconscious - or maybe conscious - need for the female of the species to find a good provider, just as our ancient female ancestors (think days of living in caves) were more attracted to males who had good hunting ability. For hundreds of years, a woman's entire security depended on how much money her husband could bring home to provide for her and her children, just as her ancient female ancestors depended on a strong hunter to provide food for his family.
Women still look for strong providers and tell their daughters to "marry a man who can support you in a way that you'll still have choices" when it comes to raising children and being a full-time mom. Parents want their daughters to have choices; parents assume their sons will provide for their own families some day. We still look upon grown sons as how well they have succeeded in the workplace and how good a provider they are, and when our daughter's are dating or getting married we ask "What does he do?" (I recall when my husband and I decided to marry, people would ask me that same question and when I told them his profession, they were pleased that I had "done so well" to attract a professional man. I remember thinking, "What if I told them he was a gravedigger? Would they be as happy for me?" Probably not! My worth was measured by my husband's earning power.)
Money and sex in a relationship are closely aligned. "She won't give me enough sex; He won't give enough money." It is not unusual for women to withhold sex and for men to withhold money - but it is often unconscious that this is what they are actually doing. Men may use money in the relationship to be in a position of power. "I give you everything you have; you own it all to me" and so on. Many women "hide" money feeling it is necessary to have something of their own stashed away, "just in case... Just in case I get mad and leave you, just in case something happens to you and I'm not taken care of, just in case..." I often hear men complain about not having enough sex, and women feeling like she "has to" have sex with her husband because he pays for everything and "expects" it; in a way, these women feel like they are prostituting themselves. "You support me and take care of me, I'll take care of you - sexually."
When people make a life-long commitment to be together, as in marriage, they are committing to more than just fidelity. They are becoming partners in life - and everything that happens along the way. Two people promise to love and honor each other; to be true to each other and to share everything - "in sickness and in health" is usually somewhere in the vows. Usually in the vows, there is often a promise to share all their worldly goods with each other. So when I see couples who keep their money separate, I usually find out that there are trust issues. Some women don't know how much their husbands actually earn; some husbands insist that whatever they had before the marriage should remain separate. I remember one couple where the wife didn't have access to all of their bank accounts because her husband was afraid if she did, she would spend everything they had. She had earned "her own" income and now was disabled and unable to work; she was angry that the income her husband had been earning through all of their marriage was kept from her. She trusted him to manage her income as well, and turned it over to him while she was working, and now she was totally dependent on him to support her. Because he wouldn't share information about their financial status, she felt like a child. This was not the presenting issue that brought them to therapy, but it ended up being the issue most often talked about. This was about trust. He wasn't able to trust that this woman he committed to share his life with and had a child with would honor his feelings about their financial status, and therefore he kept "his" money from her, to be doled out in a "household allowance." No wonder she felt like she was being treated as a child!
In many marriages today, husbands and wives keep their money separate - he has an account into which he puts his income; she has an account into which she puts hers. They usually share the responsibility for paying bills. One complaint I often hear is "He makes more than me, but we share all the expenses 50 - 50; that isn't fair. He makes more; he should pay more." Then the person who makes more often has a reason that it is fair - to them. In families where it is a second marriage and one partner brings children into the family it makes sense that a new spouse may not want to have to pay for someone else's child. This is something that should be worked out before hand. However, when one weds someone who has children, ideally they accept that they are also taking on that responsibility - to co parent, to be a role model for the child, to be emotionally available to them - and perhaps in many cases, to also take on the financial responsibility for that child, depending on circumstances (is there another parent contributing to child support, for instance?).
It seems like I've been rambling on and on and you're probably wondering by now, so what's her point? Well, here it is: money in a relationship speaks to intimacy and true partnership. I don't mean sexual intimacy - I mean how close are two people really? If partners don't share ALL of their resources, what else are they not sharing? What feelings are not being shared? What resentments are building up? What secrets are being kept, that if discovered could tear apart the marriage? If two people come together to share their lives with each other, in my humble opinion, that means sharing all of it - the good, the bad, the hardships, the joys, the good times and the heartaches; standing by each other through thick and thin; through illnesses, losses and times of emotional upheaval. Of course every relationship is different and partners need to discuss these things and come to mutual agreement. For some people having separate bank accounts, splitting the expenses and not disclosing everything may work. For many, it doesn't. In my experience with couples in therapy, it is very rare that one partner doesn't begin to have difficulties with this arrangement at some time or another. And as I said, how intimate are two people when one is keeping something from the other, be it feelings, dreams and aspirations, or money?
In our culture, money represents a lot - mostly it represents how good we are. How successful, how smart, how powerful, how dependent or how independent we can be, or how desirable we are to others. Money can destroy relationships and families - "never do business with a friend or relative. Never loan money to a friend or a relative" are admonitions most adults have heard at one time or another because doing so can destroy the friendship or the relationship with a family member forever. As individuals our relationship with money is most often influenced by how our parents handled - or didn't handle - money. When I was growing up, my father earned the money and my mother handled it - she paid the bills, wrote the checks, made the household purchases and was basically in charge of the But the major spending decision were made together. Most of us are influenced in our ways with money by what our parents did. We either follow their example, or do the exact opposite - people who grew up poor and are now comfortable may hoard every extra dime, thinking that there won't be anything there when they need it, or were so put off by being poor they spend more than they can afford and end up in debt because they have strong feelings about what it was like to grow up poor. They may over-indulge their children to make up for having done without when they were young. There can be a balance, however, between going without and having to buy everything one sees. I know one man who buys toys for himself - actual toys - because when he was a child his parents couldn't afford much, and he went without a lot, including toys.
Men and women in our society often have very different views of money based on societal norms and stereotypes, although that is changing as women become more and more equal with men, especially in the business world. However, women often not paid as much as men for the same jobs (about 77 cents per one dollar a man might make). For many men having a female superior in the workplace, especially one who makes more money, can be a difficult issue. Many women feel guilty about making more than their husbands, and many men struggle with feelings of inadequacy when their wives make more. Women often feel they make more sacrifices to work outside the home - such as time with their children - and many men feel that they have no choice but to work at a job they don't necessarily like because of the need to support a family and some come to resent the partner they support.
In most couples, there is usually one person who handles the money. There is more often than not a "spender" and a "saver." This does not always align along genders or sex roles. Men often underestimate their wife's interest in investing or in having financial security for later in life, and men are usually less likely to want save for retirement. Men are also more apt to spend money for entertainment, like big-screen t.v.'s or tools or "toys" and women are more likely to want to spend more for a things like a luxury vacation, expensive clothing and household items. But when it comes to investing, even though more women are doing it today, as a rule they feel less confident in their abilities to invest than men do, and men are more likely to take bigger risks in the investments they choose, and often think they know more about money matters than women do.
When it comes to looking for a partner, women place a higher value on their prospective mate's financial success than men do. Part of this may come from the fact that historically men worked and women stayed home to raise the family. This may be an unconscious - or maybe conscious - need for the female of the species to find a good provider, just as our ancient female ancestors (think days of living in caves) were more attracted to males who had good hunting ability. For hundreds of years, a woman's entire security depended on how much money her husband could bring home to provide for her and her children, just as her ancient female ancestors depended on a strong hunter to provide food for his family.
Women still look for strong providers and tell their daughters to "marry a man who can support you in a way that you'll still have choices" when it comes to raising children and being a full-time mom. Parents want their daughters to have choices; parents assume their sons will provide for their own families some day. We still look upon grown sons as how well they have succeeded in the workplace and how good a provider they are, and when our daughter's are dating or getting married we ask "What does he do?" (I recall when my husband and I decided to marry, people would ask me that same question and when I told them his profession, they were pleased that I had "done so well" to attract a professional man. I remember thinking, "What if I told them he was a gravedigger? Would they be as happy for me?" Probably not! My worth was measured by my husband's earning power.)
Money and sex in a relationship are closely aligned. "She won't give me enough sex; He won't give enough money." It is not unusual for women to withhold sex and for men to withhold money - but it is often unconscious that this is what they are actually doing. Men may use money in the relationship to be in a position of power. "I give you everything you have; you own it all to me" and so on. Many women "hide" money feeling it is necessary to have something of their own stashed away, "just in case... Just in case I get mad and leave you, just in case something happens to you and I'm not taken care of, just in case..." I often hear men complain about not having enough sex, and women feeling like she "has to" have sex with her husband because he pays for everything and "expects" it; in a way, these women feel like they are prostituting themselves. "You support me and take care of me, I'll take care of you - sexually."
When people make a life-long commitment to be together, as in marriage, they are committing to more than just fidelity. They are becoming partners in life - and everything that happens along the way. Two people promise to love and honor each other; to be true to each other and to share everything - "in sickness and in health" is usually somewhere in the vows. Usually in the vows, there is often a promise to share all their worldly goods with each other. So when I see couples who keep their money separate, I usually find out that there are trust issues. Some women don't know how much their husbands actually earn; some husbands insist that whatever they had before the marriage should remain separate. I remember one couple where the wife didn't have access to all of their bank accounts because her husband was afraid if she did, she would spend everything they had. She had earned "her own" income and now was disabled and unable to work; she was angry that the income her husband had been earning through all of their marriage was kept from her. She trusted him to manage her income as well, and turned it over to him while she was working, and now she was totally dependent on him to support her. Because he wouldn't share information about their financial status, she felt like a child. This was not the presenting issue that brought them to therapy, but it ended up being the issue most often talked about. This was about trust. He wasn't able to trust that this woman he committed to share his life with and had a child with would honor his feelings about their financial status, and therefore he kept "his" money from her, to be doled out in a "household allowance." No wonder she felt like she was being treated as a child!
In many marriages today, husbands and wives keep their money separate - he has an account into which he puts his income; she has an account into which she puts hers. They usually share the responsibility for paying bills. One complaint I often hear is "He makes more than me, but we share all the expenses 50 - 50; that isn't fair. He makes more; he should pay more." Then the person who makes more often has a reason that it is fair - to them. In families where it is a second marriage and one partner brings children into the family it makes sense that a new spouse may not want to have to pay for someone else's child. This is something that should be worked out before hand. However, when one weds someone who has children, ideally they accept that they are also taking on that responsibility - to co parent, to be a role model for the child, to be emotionally available to them - and perhaps in many cases, to also take on the financial responsibility for that child, depending on circumstances (is there another parent contributing to child support, for instance?).
It seems like I've been rambling on and on and you're probably wondering by now, so what's her point? Well, here it is: money in a relationship speaks to intimacy and true partnership. I don't mean sexual intimacy - I mean how close are two people really? If partners don't share ALL of their resources, what else are they not sharing? What feelings are not being shared? What resentments are building up? What secrets are being kept, that if discovered could tear apart the marriage? If two people come together to share their lives with each other, in my humble opinion, that means sharing all of it - the good, the bad, the hardships, the joys, the good times and the heartaches; standing by each other through thick and thin; through illnesses, losses and times of emotional upheaval. Of course every relationship is different and partners need to discuss these things and come to mutual agreement. For some people having separate bank accounts, splitting the expenses and not disclosing everything may work. For many, it doesn't. In my experience with couples in therapy, it is very rare that one partner doesn't begin to have difficulties with this arrangement at some time or another. And as I said, how intimate are two people when one is keeping something from the other, be it feelings, dreams and aspirations, or money?
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