Marriage Counseling - How Can it Help, and How Can You Make the Most of it?
Posted by Cynthia Horacek at 12/21/2007 3:38 PM 
Categories: Techniques, Psychotherapeutic Techniques, Treatment, Marriage
Categories: Techniques, Psychotherapeutic Techniques, Treatment, Marriage
I get calls from people asking about marriage counseling (or you can call it "Couple's therapy"). Sometimes they ask really great questions... like, do you ever see the individuals alone? Do you assign "homework" between sessions? What is your approach? (well, that one's pretty broad... but it's still a good question...) Just tonight I got a call from a gentleman looking for a couple's therapist. He said he found me on a website, and then he went to my website and looked at my approach. He asked some good questions. Have you ever thought about what questions you would ask of a potential therapist? Or have you just called around to see who is available on your insurance panel? Are you willing to pay more for a therapist that is attuned to you and your partner, if you can't find one who takes your insurance? Do you even want to use your insurance for therapy (that's another topic altogether!)?
Here are some good questions you might want to consider asking if you do decide to see a therapist, weather it's for individual, family or marriage counseling:
What is your background?
Are you, or have you been married? (Why not ask? Would you take driving lessons from someone who doesn't drive? That doesn't mean that someone who's not - or has never been - married can't be an excellent therapist; but if it's important to you to know, you can still ask!)
How long have you been in practice? (Keep in mind that MFTs need 3000 hours of supervised experience before they can sit for the licensing exam; and they continue to get hours while they're in the exam process, so even before they're licensed, they have at least 2 years of experience, and usually more).
What is your philosophy regarding marriage - in other words, do you have any feelings about staying together no matter what, or regarding divorce? This might be important in the case of religious preferences. (I once had a friend refuse to go to marriage therapy because she had a fear that the therapist would tell them to get a divorce and she didn't want to have to look at that.)
Do you take custody cases (just in case this is a custody issue... be clear with the therapist up front. Some therapists, myself included, will not get involved with custody cases, and it's better for all involved to know that up front before there's an attachment to the therapist).
What are your fees, and are they flexible - in other words, does the therapist have a sliding scale, and what happens if halfway through the therapy you can no longer afford their full fee?
If you are thinking of using insurance, does the therapist bill for you, or will you be expected to pay out of pocket and then be reimbursed by the insurance company?
Do you routinely give "homework" assignments between sessions? Some people don't have time for the "assignments" a therapist might give them; some therapists don't give "assignments." (How much time do you want to devote to improving the relationship, and are the homework exercises appropriate for your situation?)
How do you feel about seeing the partners alone from time to time - what is your policy regarding this?
How do you set goals for the therapy? (What are you looking for here, as a client? Do you want the therapist to set goals for you, or do you want to set the goals with your partner? In my opinion, its more important that the goals set are yours and your partner's; the therapist might have goals for you but you all need to be clear that they are what you and your partner need, not just what the therapist thinks will be good goals...)
There are many, many more questions that you will probably think of yourself, and more that I'm sure I've been asked over the years. It's mostly important to keep in mind what your needs are when you're looking for a therapist. A therapist who will get right down to work in the session and not allow you to digress and waste time by evading the issues is important. You only have so much time for the session - you want to make the most of it. After all, it's your time. If you want to spend the session arguing with your spouse, that's up to you... but again, in my humble opinion, your therapist will help you not do this... but there are times it's important for the therapist to observe this type of interaction between you, and see how you argue, also.
Making the Most Of Your Time in Therapy:
If you do decide to seek out a therapist for marriage work, be sure you make the most of your time. It is very common for people to go to therapy and then have "nothing to talk about." It is common for couples to come and want to reenact the fight they had that week, or discuss a current conflict (which at first glance seems to make sense - isn't that why you're there, do discuss your conflicts?). However, doing so is actually a reaction and often a need to have someone - the therapist - tell you "you're right and your partner is wrong" or in other words, to feel vindicated. Or it is a way to get someone to "fix" your partner. However the best use of your time in that short 50-minute hour is for you and your partner to decide ahead of time what you want to discuss. Talk about your reasons for going to therapy together, before your session. Think about the next step you want for your relationship - like how can you be a better partner? It helps to focus on yourself and how you can change, and not how you can change your partner. You can only control yourself. Finding the answers to these questions isn't so hard - the hard part is making changes, and acknowledging why you resist change.
Learning how to think differently about a problem is often more effective than simply trying to solve it. In relationships, because you can only control yourself, it often helps to also acknowledge that your partner is limited in his/her ability to respond to you. Often we need to come to a realization that our partner is not the "Mr. or Mrs. Perfect" we envisioned, and accept their imperfections, along with our own, so you also need to recognize that you, too, are limited in your ability to respond to your partner. It goes both ways.
Going back to goals for a moment, it often helps to set more goals for yourself than for your partner. This helps to moderate your expectations of one another and you are less likely to be disappointed. It is human nature to try to change another person instead of adjusting expectations, but by doing so, again, you are more likely to be successful in nurturing the relationship along.
Some More Helpful Hints:
It is okay to argue. Growth comes from conflict. It's how you each handle the conflict that is important. But accepting that conflict is part of all relationships and leads to growth, and learning to manage the inevitable disagreements is the key to a better relationship.
We don't always hear what is said. Learning to really listen, and putting your own needs aside for a few minutes will lead to a better relationship. Everyone wants to be heard.
A couple's vision for the two together as a team and as partners requires that both of you speak from your true self, and that you each really listen - not waiting for them to stop talking while you compose your response - but that when your partner is talking, you are truly hearing what they are saying even if it's uncomfortable and you don't agree. One sign of true maturity is the patience to be able to do this.
We are all ultimately responsible for ourselves. Blaming others for how you are, or how you turned out, is an excuse to not take responsibility for your actions.
Relationships are not easy. The best ones, and the ones that last, take work. It is an ongoing process, and just when you think you can relax into the routine, something else comes along to make you sit up and take notice. As couples, we do a kind of dance throughout our lives - one partner moves in, the other might move away or come closer, and so on. There are times when you are in perfect step with each other, and there are times when you step on each other's toes. But when you weather the difficult times together, you come out the other side being stronger and usually closer.
Here are some good questions you might want to consider asking if you do decide to see a therapist, weather it's for individual, family or marriage counseling:
What is your background?
Are you, or have you been married? (Why not ask? Would you take driving lessons from someone who doesn't drive? That doesn't mean that someone who's not - or has never been - married can't be an excellent therapist; but if it's important to you to know, you can still ask!)
How long have you been in practice? (Keep in mind that MFTs need 3000 hours of supervised experience before they can sit for the licensing exam; and they continue to get hours while they're in the exam process, so even before they're licensed, they have at least 2 years of experience, and usually more).
What is your philosophy regarding marriage - in other words, do you have any feelings about staying together no matter what, or regarding divorce? This might be important in the case of religious preferences. (I once had a friend refuse to go to marriage therapy because she had a fear that the therapist would tell them to get a divorce and she didn't want to have to look at that.)
Do you take custody cases (just in case this is a custody issue... be clear with the therapist up front. Some therapists, myself included, will not get involved with custody cases, and it's better for all involved to know that up front before there's an attachment to the therapist).
What are your fees, and are they flexible - in other words, does the therapist have a sliding scale, and what happens if halfway through the therapy you can no longer afford their full fee?
If you are thinking of using insurance, does the therapist bill for you, or will you be expected to pay out of pocket and then be reimbursed by the insurance company?
Do you routinely give "homework" assignments between sessions? Some people don't have time for the "assignments" a therapist might give them; some therapists don't give "assignments." (How much time do you want to devote to improving the relationship, and are the homework exercises appropriate for your situation?)
How do you feel about seeing the partners alone from time to time - what is your policy regarding this?
How do you set goals for the therapy? (What are you looking for here, as a client? Do you want the therapist to set goals for you, or do you want to set the goals with your partner? In my opinion, its more important that the goals set are yours and your partner's; the therapist might have goals for you but you all need to be clear that they are what you and your partner need, not just what the therapist thinks will be good goals...)
There are many, many more questions that you will probably think of yourself, and more that I'm sure I've been asked over the years. It's mostly important to keep in mind what your needs are when you're looking for a therapist. A therapist who will get right down to work in the session and not allow you to digress and waste time by evading the issues is important. You only have so much time for the session - you want to make the most of it. After all, it's your time. If you want to spend the session arguing with your spouse, that's up to you... but again, in my humble opinion, your therapist will help you not do this... but there are times it's important for the therapist to observe this type of interaction between you, and see how you argue, also.
Making the Most Of Your Time in Therapy:
If you do decide to seek out a therapist for marriage work, be sure you make the most of your time. It is very common for people to go to therapy and then have "nothing to talk about." It is common for couples to come and want to reenact the fight they had that week, or discuss a current conflict (which at first glance seems to make sense - isn't that why you're there, do discuss your conflicts?). However, doing so is actually a reaction and often a need to have someone - the therapist - tell you "you're right and your partner is wrong" or in other words, to feel vindicated. Or it is a way to get someone to "fix" your partner. However the best use of your time in that short 50-minute hour is for you and your partner to decide ahead of time what you want to discuss. Talk about your reasons for going to therapy together, before your session. Think about the next step you want for your relationship - like how can you be a better partner? It helps to focus on yourself and how you can change, and not how you can change your partner. You can only control yourself. Finding the answers to these questions isn't so hard - the hard part is making changes, and acknowledging why you resist change.
Learning how to think differently about a problem is often more effective than simply trying to solve it. In relationships, because you can only control yourself, it often helps to also acknowledge that your partner is limited in his/her ability to respond to you. Often we need to come to a realization that our partner is not the "Mr. or Mrs. Perfect" we envisioned, and accept their imperfections, along with our own, so you also need to recognize that you, too, are limited in your ability to respond to your partner. It goes both ways.
Going back to goals for a moment, it often helps to set more goals for yourself than for your partner. This helps to moderate your expectations of one another and you are less likely to be disappointed. It is human nature to try to change another person instead of adjusting expectations, but by doing so, again, you are more likely to be successful in nurturing the relationship along.
Some More Helpful Hints:
It is okay to argue. Growth comes from conflict. It's how you each handle the conflict that is important. But accepting that conflict is part of all relationships and leads to growth, and learning to manage the inevitable disagreements is the key to a better relationship.
We don't always hear what is said. Learning to really listen, and putting your own needs aside for a few minutes will lead to a better relationship. Everyone wants to be heard.
A couple's vision for the two together as a team and as partners requires that both of you speak from your true self, and that you each really listen - not waiting for them to stop talking while you compose your response - but that when your partner is talking, you are truly hearing what they are saying even if it's uncomfortable and you don't agree. One sign of true maturity is the patience to be able to do this.
We are all ultimately responsible for ourselves. Blaming others for how you are, or how you turned out, is an excuse to not take responsibility for your actions.
Relationships are not easy. The best ones, and the ones that last, take work. It is an ongoing process, and just when you think you can relax into the routine, something else comes along to make you sit up and take notice. As couples, we do a kind of dance throughout our lives - one partner moves in, the other might move away or come closer, and so on. There are times when you are in perfect step with each other, and there are times when you step on each other's toes. But when you weather the difficult times together, you come out the other side being stronger and usually closer.
Comments